All the Better
Standing there in the cellar of the Grange’s hunting cottage, looking at the sobbing woman who had just been introduced to him as his true long-lost sister, Mr. Punch began to feel quite annoyed.
He hadn’t wanted his first sister—Barbara. In fact, Mr. Punch was always quick to point out the fact that though he used Julian’s body, he wasn’t actually Julian, and, therefore, Barbara was really no relation to him. She’d been nothing but trouble for as long as Punch could remember. Frankly, as far as Punch was concerned, Barbara had only done two good things in her entire life—given birth to Colin and allowing Punch and Robert to take him as their son. Aside from that, Barbara had been nothing short of a true monster and, when they left her in America, Punch was quite glad to say farewell. Furthermore, he was more than pleased to claim that she was dead. He gave her as little thought as possible, and, for him, that was all he needed to do.
That was all Mr. Punch had ever wanted to know of sisters. But, it seemed due to Julian’s mother’s lusty ways, life had other plans for him. In walked Ellen Barrett. Or…Orpha Polk. Either way, Punch hadn’t been thrilled.
When Punch had thought that the woman he knew as Ellen Barrett was his illegitimate half-sister, the woman had already gone on a murderous spree, poisoned him, deceived him and his companion, threatened their child, stolen from them, harmed their friends and generally terrorized their household. So, after all that, Punch thought it most humane for everyone to kill her. For Punch, the problem was solved.
But, then, just an hour after dispatching the second unwanted “sister,” this new woman had appeared and claimed that she—not the dead one—was his illegitimate half-sister. To make matters worse, within moments of their introduction, she’d already insulted him, called him mad, shouted at his companion and dissolved into a weeping mess!
For a moment—just the briefest of moments—Punch considered grabbing a pot from the cupboard and clubbing this one, too. A faint smile crossed his lips as the idea came and went. However, for the sake of Robert and Colin, Punch concluded that it best not to kill two people on the same morning. Besides, his head-hitting days, he’d thought anyway, were past him and he was determined to be “a very, very good boy” as much as possible (unless it served the household in only the most positive way to be a very, very bad boy).
“Coo!” Punch moaned. “This ain’t no good at all. You gotta stop that cryin’, you do.”
This, of course, didn’t help anything.
“Listen, you.” Punch narrowed his eyes. “I ain’t a bad bloke. Sure, I talk in a way what ain’t befittin’ the Duke of Fallbridge. But, I ain’t actually the Duke of Fallbridge. Well, I am the Duke, I s’pose, inasmuch as Julian lets me be. I guess what I mean is that I aon’t Julian Molliner. This is his body, see. We share it. But, I ain’t really ‘im. I’m Mr. Punch, I am.” He paused to look at Violet. Of the staff, she’d been one of the last to be informed of his true nature. He smiled weakly.
“I already knew that, Your Grace.” Violet smiled back. “We all live in the same house, and, well, Your Grace, you can be rather loud at times. Besides, we’ve all heard Dr. Halifax refer to you as ‘Dear Punch.’”
“Oh!” Mr. Punch smiled. “And, here we thought we was bein’ clever.” He shrugged. “Now, see? You—Lennie, or whatever you like to be called. Ain’t nobody bothered by it. Why should you be? I’m a good boy. Julian, he don’t want to be the Duke. He wants to stay inside here.” He thumped his chest. “And rest. Me, I like to be alive and such. So, I live for ‘im. I got this man here what’s my companion. He’s a wonderful sort of bloke. Look at ‘im. Ain’t he fine lookin’? He’s even kinder than he is handsome. And, that’s sayin’ a lot. He’ll treat ya like he were your brother. He’s nicer than me, he is. He’s a doctor and all. So, you got two brothers, in a sense, right here.”
Lennie continued to sob.
“Now, sure, I hit folk over the head every so often. But, I can’t help that. That’s all part of bein’ a Mr. Punch. We Punchinellos is like that. It’s just how I protect me companion and our son. He’d be your nephew, you know. And our friends and such. And, to be sure, the only time I ever killed anyone was just tonight. And, she were a person what, I’m told, were real terrible to ya. So, you oughtn’t mind too much. Otherwise, I only manage to knock folk unconscious, it seems. Hmmm…maybe I’m not so good at it as I thought. So, see, you got no reason to be upset.”
“You don’t understand.” Lennie sniffed.
“Sure, I do. Listen, it must be awful bein’ a bastard…”
“Punch…” Robert whispered.
“No, no, it’s true, Chum.” Punch smiled. “It’s gotta be awful findin’ out you’re illegitimate. To learn you was the bastard…or whatever a lady bastard is…of a duchess and a stableman and that your whole life were just one lie after another.”
Lennie’s weeping grew louder.
However, Punch was undeterred. He continued. “To find out your brothers weren’t your brothers at all and that your ma and pa weren’t what ya thought. That’s gotta be somethin’ just terrible, it does. And, then, you learned that your real brother, the Duke of Fallbridge—that’s me now—is not what you’d thought he’d be. You’re scared and confused and you feel betrayed and such. I understand all that. But, ya gotta quit your cryin’ cuz you’re makin’ me annoyed and it’s messy and…well, it’s just not fit. So, you gotta stop cuz it ain’t helpin’ nothin’.”
Lennie wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands.
“If you really are Ellen Barrett,” Punch continued, “I oughtn’t come as such a shock to ya. Roger’s your…well, he’s your cousin. You’re used to him, yes?”
“Yes.” Lennie responded softly.
“Well, then, I’m nothin’ compared to that. For Pete’s sake, I’m a treat compared to Roger. All I want is to hug me chum and play with me Colin and Dog Toby and draw pictures and talk to our friends and look at pretty things and put on me puppet shows. I don’t go tearin’ ‘round causin’ chaos like Roger. And before you get all upset ‘bout Roger, don’t think I’m makin’ my fun at his expense. I ain’t. Roger’s got troubles and I aim to help him as does Dr. Halifax. Who do ya think has been keepin’ him in his flat with a nurse all this time?”
“You?”
“Sure.” Punch smiled.
“We do intend to see that Roger has the best of care,” Robert nodded.
“Well, Lennie?” Punch raised his eyebrows. “Here you are with all these people, and many more in the big house, what love me and know I’m not gonna hurt no one. Maybe you don’t know me, but you can get to, if you like. Don’t mean you can’t love the folk what you thought were your brothers. They’re still kin to ya. Just means you got more folk to look out for ya. And, if you don’t like us, you can walk away. But, first, let us make sure you’re safe. I ain’t had such good experience with sisters so far, so I ain’t too keen on it neither, but you don’t see me carryin’ on. I wanna see what good can come of this. If it turns out there’s none, we can go our own way. And, if you aim to hurt my family, I’ll make ya pay for it. But, if we’re gonna all try to be nice to one another, well, maybe we can undo a little o’ the awful things what that woman what stole your name’s done.”
“You’re correct,” Lennie gulped.
“I know.” Mr. Punch nodded.
“I apologize.” Lennie smiled slightly.
“Well, that’s fine. Now, let’s get out of here before Johnny Donnan comes in to make more trouble. We’ll get this all nice and sorted out, we will.”
“I’m beginning to think we will.” Lennie nodded.
“Sure.” Mr. Punch said. “Believe me, we seen worse than this.”
“We have.” Robert nodded.
“How awful.” Lennie mumbled.
“Ah—you get used to it.” Mr. Punch laughed. “Just makes the good times all the better.”
Standing there in the cellar of the Grange’s hunting cottage, looking at the sobbing woman who had just been introduced to him as his true long-lost sister, Mr. Punch began to feel quite annoyed.
He hadn’t wanted his first sister—Barbara. In fact, Mr. Punch was always quick to point out the fact that though he used Julian’s body, he wasn’t actually Julian, and, therefore, Barbara was really no relation to him. She’d been nothing but trouble for as long as Punch could remember. Frankly, as far as Punch was concerned, Barbara had only done two good things in her entire life—given birth to Colin and allowing Punch and Robert to take him as their son. Aside from that, Barbara had been nothing short of a true monster and, when they left her in America, Punch was quite glad to say farewell. Furthermore, he was more than pleased to claim that she was dead. He gave her as little thought as possible, and, for him, that was all he needed to do.
That was all Mr. Punch had ever wanted to know of sisters. But, it seemed due to Julian’s mother’s lusty ways, life had other plans for him. In walked Ellen Barrett. Or…Orpha Polk. Either way, Punch hadn’t been thrilled.
When Punch had thought that the woman he knew as Ellen Barrett was his illegitimate half-sister, the woman had already gone on a murderous spree, poisoned him, deceived him and his companion, threatened their child, stolen from them, harmed their friends and generally terrorized their household. So, after all that, Punch thought it most humane for everyone to kill her. For Punch, the problem was solved.
But, then, just an hour after dispatching the second unwanted “sister,” this new woman had appeared and claimed that she—not the dead one—was his illegitimate half-sister. To make matters worse, within moments of their introduction, she’d already insulted him, called him mad, shouted at his companion and dissolved into a weeping mess!
For a moment—just the briefest of moments—Punch considered grabbing a pot from the cupboard and clubbing this one, too. A faint smile crossed his lips as the idea came and went. However, for the sake of Robert and Colin, Punch concluded that it best not to kill two people on the same morning. Besides, his head-hitting days, he’d thought anyway, were past him and he was determined to be “a very, very good boy” as much as possible (unless it served the household in only the most positive way to be a very, very bad boy).
“Coo!” Punch moaned. “This ain’t no good at all. You gotta stop that cryin’, you do.”
This, of course, didn’t help anything.
“Listen, you.” Punch narrowed his eyes. “I ain’t a bad bloke. Sure, I talk in a way what ain’t befittin’ the Duke of Fallbridge. But, I ain’t actually the Duke of Fallbridge. Well, I am the Duke, I s’pose, inasmuch as Julian lets me be. I guess what I mean is that I aon’t Julian Molliner. This is his body, see. We share it. But, I ain’t really ‘im. I’m Mr. Punch, I am.” He paused to look at Violet. Of the staff, she’d been one of the last to be informed of his true nature. He smiled weakly.
“I already knew that, Your Grace.” Violet smiled back. “We all live in the same house, and, well, Your Grace, you can be rather loud at times. Besides, we’ve all heard Dr. Halifax refer to you as ‘Dear Punch.’”
“Oh!” Mr. Punch smiled. “And, here we thought we was bein’ clever.” He shrugged. “Now, see? You—Lennie, or whatever you like to be called. Ain’t nobody bothered by it. Why should you be? I’m a good boy. Julian, he don’t want to be the Duke. He wants to stay inside here.” He thumped his chest. “And rest. Me, I like to be alive and such. So, I live for ‘im. I got this man here what’s my companion. He’s a wonderful sort of bloke. Look at ‘im. Ain’t he fine lookin’? He’s even kinder than he is handsome. And, that’s sayin’ a lot. He’ll treat ya like he were your brother. He’s nicer than me, he is. He’s a doctor and all. So, you got two brothers, in a sense, right here.”
Lennie continued to sob.
“Now, sure, I hit folk over the head every so often. But, I can’t help that. That’s all part of bein’ a Mr. Punch. We Punchinellos is like that. It’s just how I protect me companion and our son. He’d be your nephew, you know. And our friends and such. And, to be sure, the only time I ever killed anyone was just tonight. And, she were a person what, I’m told, were real terrible to ya. So, you oughtn’t mind too much. Otherwise, I only manage to knock folk unconscious, it seems. Hmmm…maybe I’m not so good at it as I thought. So, see, you got no reason to be upset.”
“You don’t understand.” Lennie sniffed.
“Sure, I do. Listen, it must be awful bein’ a bastard…”
“Punch…” Robert whispered.
“No, no, it’s true, Chum.” Punch smiled. “It’s gotta be awful findin’ out you’re illegitimate. To learn you was the bastard…or whatever a lady bastard is…of a duchess and a stableman and that your whole life were just one lie after another.”
Lennie’s weeping grew louder.
However, Punch was undeterred. He continued. “To find out your brothers weren’t your brothers at all and that your ma and pa weren’t what ya thought. That’s gotta be somethin’ just terrible, it does. And, then, you learned that your real brother, the Duke of Fallbridge—that’s me now—is not what you’d thought he’d be. You’re scared and confused and you feel betrayed and such. I understand all that. But, ya gotta quit your cryin’ cuz you’re makin’ me annoyed and it’s messy and…well, it’s just not fit. So, you gotta stop cuz it ain’t helpin’ nothin’.”
Lennie wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands.
“If you really are Ellen Barrett,” Punch continued, “I oughtn’t come as such a shock to ya. Roger’s your…well, he’s your cousin. You’re used to him, yes?”
“Yes.” Lennie responded softly.
“Well, then, I’m nothin’ compared to that. For Pete’s sake, I’m a treat compared to Roger. All I want is to hug me chum and play with me Colin and Dog Toby and draw pictures and talk to our friends and look at pretty things and put on me puppet shows. I don’t go tearin’ ‘round causin’ chaos like Roger. And before you get all upset ‘bout Roger, don’t think I’m makin’ my fun at his expense. I ain’t. Roger’s got troubles and I aim to help him as does Dr. Halifax. Who do ya think has been keepin’ him in his flat with a nurse all this time?”
“You?”
“Sure.” Punch smiled.
“We do intend to see that Roger has the best of care,” Robert nodded.
“Well, Lennie?” Punch raised his eyebrows. “Here you are with all these people, and many more in the big house, what love me and know I’m not gonna hurt no one. Maybe you don’t know me, but you can get to, if you like. Don’t mean you can’t love the folk what you thought were your brothers. They’re still kin to ya. Just means you got more folk to look out for ya. And, if you don’t like us, you can walk away. But, first, let us make sure you’re safe. I ain’t had such good experience with sisters so far, so I ain’t too keen on it neither, but you don’t see me carryin’ on. I wanna see what good can come of this. If it turns out there’s none, we can go our own way. And, if you aim to hurt my family, I’ll make ya pay for it. But, if we’re gonna all try to be nice to one another, well, maybe we can undo a little o’ the awful things what that woman what stole your name’s done.”
“You’re correct,” Lennie gulped.
“I know.” Mr. Punch nodded.
“I apologize.” Lennie smiled slightly.
“Well, that’s fine. Now, let’s get out of here before Johnny Donnan comes in to make more trouble. We’ll get this all nice and sorted out, we will.”
“I’m beginning to think we will.” Lennie nodded.
“Sure.” Mr. Punch said. “Believe me, we seen worse than this.”
“We have.” Robert nodded.
“How awful.” Lennie mumbled.
“Ah—you get used to it.” Mr. Punch laughed. “Just makes the good times all the better.”
Did you miss Chapters 1-162 of Mr. Punch of Belgrave Square? If so, you can read them here. Come back tomorrow for Chapter 164.
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