Monday, April 1, 2013

Unusual Artifacts: The Lost Cups of Dogus-Tobias

A tale of tumult and terror, the Legend of the Lost Cups of Dogus-Tobias was proven to have been fact, a discovery corresponding with the discovery of the bones of Richard III.  

Perhaps one of the most astounding examples of the brilliance of ancient goldsmiths, these chalices of hammered, brightly-colored gold were thought to have been lost for centuries.  Said to have been crafted in the fires of Mount Doom during the Thirteenth Century, the cups are thought to be the work of Bertram, the elder who crafted the vessels to be used in the serving of Ghinghar-aile, an unusually fizzy tonic thought to settle the stomach.  Only in these chalices, it was believed, would the tonic work.  

The little recorded Battle of Hamsanwish of 1432 saw the cups stolen by the people of stupid Flanders who, in typical troll-like fashion, hid them away so that they might be used to calm the dyspeptic stomachs of their royal family.  From the vaults of the stupid Flanderseses, the vessels are historically thought to have been stolen by Roman Castavette, a blockade runner in the employ of Elizabeth of Montgomery.  After a 1660 fire destroyed the Montgomery estate, Monty Hall, the chalices were again stolen by an unknown party.  They did not resurface until 1999 when they were discovered with an odd job lot of antiques auctioned off by Lord Cadbury of Cremehg.  



My mother has been making these little cups out of the foil of Easter candy for as long as I can remember.  Instead of throwing them away, last year, I saved them JUST FOR TODAY!


Darcy said...

These are all so funny I was laughing out loud.
But I think this one is my favorite. The Battle of Hamsanwich and the people of stupid Flanders. I'm still laughing.

Joseph Crisalli said...

Thanks, Darcy!